Believe it or not...

I am not the Holy Spirit. This is just one of many lessons that God has been teaching me here. Although I still struggle with it, I'm finally realizing that being a good helpmeet to my husband does not require me to give my opinion about every little thing and to make sure he follows my leadership in decisions. It's pretty apparent that God already has that area of conviction covered, and often I cross over the line of really trying to help by trying to be the source of conviction.

This event probably happened over two years ago now, but I remember this as a turning point in how I thought about "helping" Rusty. We were eating out with two different families when one friend asked Rusty to do something that she thought was really funny. She wanted others to hear it also. I must say that this was not one of the things that I "approved" of as being appropriate. I thought I was acting on Rusty's behalf by protecting myself from embarrassment and others from being offended. After all that's my job, right? What I didn't realize was how I was coming off to others and probably to Rusty also although he always says he wants me to help. One of the other ladies that night basically said if I didn't want to have a good time and laugh then I could leave the room. They wanted Rusty to do it so they could all enjoy themselves.

This made a huge impact on me in several areas. First, when did I stop being the girl who laughed and had a good time? I'm sure I can create a list of past hurts or disappointments that would "justify" living a safe life and creating a hedge of protection about myself, but did I have to get to a point that I went too far the other direction? How did I let myself get to a point that everything funny became wrong or inappropriate? When did I become the stick in the mud? When did I stop being the one who would be faithful to laugh at her husband's jokes? That night taught me that I had not realized how many negative things I say...either stopping people's fun or making myself to be an outsider.

It also taught me to appreciate the personalities of others who are much different than me. I even realize now I wouldn't like this world very much if everyone was like me. I used to say things like that and not really believe it. If I had really believed it I don't think I would have tried to install myself as the house's spirit of conviction. It still stresses me sometimes to have people carrying on, but it's not as bad as it used to be. It's actually quite freeing to laugh and let things carry on without me always saying this or that shouldn't be done. And it probably puts others at ease too. Isn't that how I want people to feel around me? I want them to feel free to be themselves--not always worrying about whether or not I will approve.

I've heard teachers talk about what a fun and outgoing personality Rusty has and how they can tell that he loves the children. I'm sure people like me once they get to know me too, but why would I try to change the very things that draw people to Rusty? God made us to be two different people who work together to reach the people of Thailand. Let's rejoice in the God Who made us and allow each one to be who God created them to be. You know...not being the spirit of conviction for my husband is actually where I want to be; I have no idea why I ever wanted the job in the first place. It was stressful and no fun...even though I still try to take up the yoke sometimes I don't really want it. May God make me into my husband's cheerleader, audience, encourager, respecter, and anything else he needs from me.

I look back now and can't believe how many times I thought I was helping. I used the excuse that it was my responsibility to point out all these things when in fact I was saying God through His Holy Spirit couldn't do it. God is perfectly able to lead and direct Rusty's life. I'm not saying I should never say anything to Rusty, but let's face it I had gone completely overboard. And I also think that if I really should say something, it should be done in the right way. I try not to do it in front of other people, and I also try to just say it once then let it drop. I don't want him to think I'm always negative, and I don't want others who are watching me to think the same thing. People are watching, and they do make judgments based upon what they see. Sometimes we don't really have a good view of what they're thinking unless they actually say something. I wish I had seen my own flaws before something was said.