Not My Will But Thine

If you know very much about me or our work here, you'll know that when we came here I thought we would be spending lots of time in the villages. In fact, that's what I desired to do. I envisioned us spending the weekends in Karen villages around the countryside, living with the people while teaching and worshiping together. I met other wives here who did that kind of work and didn't enjoy it. They just did it because they had to. I always thought that was unfair because it's what I wanted to do, and I wasn't getting to do it.

The last time I was in a Karen village overnight was three years ago. During the first five years on the field, God really did a work in my heart. Somewhere along the way it became ok with me that we weren't in the village every weekend because I'd much rather be doing the ministry He wants us to do than out in a village every weekend doing what I want to do. When you first get to the field and you realize nothing is turning out the way you thought it would, you have a choice to make. You can either adapt and conform your desires to His desires, or you can force your own way. Thankfully, Rusty is a good spiritual leader and led our family in the right direction.

I met other friends who thought they'd be working with Thai people in the city and were working in Karen villages. It seemed everyone was going through the same kind of change. I finally decided to give in and embrace the change. I went from being a dis-satisfied person to a person who would be sad to leave the friendships and relationships that God has given us in the city. My desire should be for all men to come to repentance.

Throughout all of this time though, I learned it's better to be open to whatever God wants. We don't want to be the type of people who only follow His will when it's something we want to do. And you never know...He might just give you your desires when it's His time.

In April Rusty had the opportunity to go with Brent to a village we had not been to since the first year we were here. Rusty said the village was not at all like he had remembered.

Rusty always finds some kids to take him on an outing in the village. Although communication was difficult at times they successfully made a trip to the village "convenience" store.
The trip took them through people's yards, around their houses, and all over the village. I'm sure they were going the shortest distance between two points, and they got a lot of stares along the way.
Probably the biggest change was a construction of a temple in the area. I'm sure when they feel the need to try to reach out for converts it says something. Please pray for the work there. I'm sure satan does not want it to succeed, and the people need encouragement. They need to know that God is able to work and protect them.

A Triangle, a Triangle, Can You Make a Triangle?

When the Raburn's came for a visit last year, Brenda gave me two books that I think she had given to the missionary wives at the previous retreat. I read the one about a woman's words pretty quickly after that, but for some reason the other one just sat on my shelf. For some reason the title Strong Women, Soft Hearts did not tug at my heartstrings. Now I know it's just because I didn't really have a clue what the book would be about. It was a great follow-up to my previous book, and I know God's timing was in me reading this book at this time.

Many of the chapters have spoken to my heart, but I wanted to share something I read this morning. She shares that God wants to make us extraordinary lovers. Jesus said that the world would know that we are His disciples by our love for one another. It's the power to love "against all odds" that sets us apart and shows that we know God.

The picture she uses is that of a stool. She learned through her work in family therapy that a close relationship between two people is like a two-legged stool. There's no stability in a two-legged stool so we often turn to a third party to turn it into a triangle and try to bring some stability. Although that may seem to take away some of the pressure, it actually causes more problems than it solves. It also keeps each party from relating directly to each other. I could probably preach a pretty good sermon there with that one, but I'll save that for another time, haha!

She further explains that God did indeed design marriage and any other close relationship to be a true threesome. It's meant to be a triangle with Him at the top. He's the One Who bears the real weight of the relationship. Having two people in a relationship is never enough, but it's very important who we have as the third party. Our spirit should yearn for the strength that comes from being in a triangle relationship that has God is the pinnacle rather than always posturing ourselves to be protected and to pose as the blameless one. That's usually what we're doing when we try to bring in another party who is not God.

I'm often reminded of one of the "new" Christian songs that has come out recently. The chorus seems to go along with the theme of this book so well:

Dance like no one is looking
Sing like no one can hear
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Live like there’s nothing to fear

I think our past influences the way we live life today. Sometimes we don't realize the walls that we've put up and the ways that we've shut off our hearts to other people. We don't even see ourselves for who we really are. We've tried to bring in so many people and things to keep our focus off of the real issue. The line about loving like you've never been hurt is a scary one for me but one I think is really important if we're really going to make a difference in this world.

If you've ever watched the movie Anna and the King there is a very sad love story in there between one of the king's new concubines and a man in her small town. At one point she says, "If love were a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?" The real kind of love does not come without a price. C.S. Lewis said, "Love anything and your heart will surely be wrung." Even though pain will come, are you willing to forgo all the possibilities that can come from loving like you've never been hurt? Aren't you curious to find out what you've been missing by not being vulnerable enough to love?

Love is not easy but without it we won't have close relationships. We won't have a heart that can see ministry opportunities. We'll go through life completely shut off and unable to see the divine appointments that God has given us. And unfortunately we won't be world-changers. We usually talk a big talk about how we want to win the world for Jesus, but we continue to shut ourselves off from hurt and pain--the prize just isn't worth it to us.

I remember being heartbroken one day early in our ministry here because someone said that people here would always disappoint us. We would spend our time investing our lives, love, and time into people who would just leave. Maybe they will--people will always disappoint us, but if we shut ourselves off from them we don't get to enjoy the time we do have with them. Celebrating God working, accomplishments, the fulfillment of dreams, and even hurts together is what God called us to do. And even though there will be pain somewhere throughout the journey, the joys have to be worth it. And realizing that we will in turn probably be a disappointment to them at some point should bring us to a point of humility and patience that can put up with more than we thought was possible.

My little review here does not do this book justice, and I'm not finished with it yet so I can't give you my full take on it. But I can say I'm glad I'm reading it, and this was the right time.

One Blessed Sunday

The last school year (our school year runs from May to March) was a tiring time for me, but I feel that ministry-wise it was one of the most rewarding years we've had on the field. Although I still have times of culture stress I'm happy to be past that two year period of times of culture shock where I couldn't seem to live here AND have the right kind of attitude at the same time. During those times Rusty did a great job of reminding me why I was feeling so out of control, and that seemed to help put me back on the right track. I tried to do the same for him, but when you're going through it you might think as I did that everyone else around you is wrong and you're the only one who is right. Haha! Who was I kidding? It was much better to admit what I was going through rather than denying and fighting it.

You might be wondering why I'm talking about culture shock and culture stress in this post, and one reason is that things that happened Sunday really brought to mind some changes that I've been noticing that have been happening in my life. When we first came to serve here, I felt like everything and everyone was trying to invade my space. First there was the idea of having a househelper come in two days a week to help with cleaning. I didn't like that, but Rusty said we should so I could have more time for studying the language, teaching English, ministering in the villages, and working at Antioch Church. Then we eventually went to someone coming to live with us and clean house. Talk about having my space invaded! Then we moved on to starting a neighborhood ESL class in the house. Then I started having friends come over so we could cook together in my kitchen. The list went on and on (or so it seemed) with each step pushing me further and further out of my comfort zone until we get up to the present time.

Now we have one of our ESL students who loves to come and spend the night with Pawn. She is the sweetest 10 year old Buddhist girl, and she loves to come to our house and go to church with us. She even goes to church when she doesn't come to spend the night here. I went downstairs early this Sunday morning and heard Gam (the 10-year-old girl) practicing worship songs and working on her memory verses for Sunday school. She has a very tender heart, and her parents have not done anything to oppose this other than putting a Buddhist amulet around her neck to protect her. Gam loves coming and learning about Jesus, and she's inviting her friends too. It's those God-things that give us the encouragement--getting pushed out of your comfort zone is worth it.

All of the experiences we've been through help us to minister to others we come in contact with also. We received a phone call a couple of months ago--which in and of itself is amazing since our phone has not worked consistently for about a year now--from a lady who just moved back to Thailand after living in England for 20 years. She put off coming to church until this week. I really believe there were no accidents in her being there on this Sunday. Rusty was able to spend a couple of hours talking with her after everything was finished. She's been having a hard time adjusting back to life in Thailand. She had asked me earlier if I had had a hard time adjusting to Thailand and if I liked it. I told her it was a shock to me at first, but once I spent some time learning about the culture I really began to enjoy it. Please pray for her. She has only been back in the country for three months, and she has a lot to adjust to. But praise God that He put us into contact with her. She says that she has repented of her sins and trusted in Christ already, and we look forward to continuing to be a safe sounding board for her as she struggles to adjust to her new life here. Hopefully we can use our experiences here to be understanding but also to lead her in the right direction and encourage her to continually trust God that His plans for her are for her good.

Fruit Salad - Yummy, yummy!

It's been another great week with the neighborhood ESL class. We had some fun activities to do with the kids using the theme of food for the week. Gam's mom (Gam is the girl who has been going to church with us) brought over a birthday cake and some sodas for the class. The kids enjoyed the treats and continued practicing making requests.

Another night we made fruit salad with the kids to practice imperative sentences, cooking vocabulary, and sequencing. The kids enjoyed doing it themselves. After the fruit salad was made it was time to watch a few Mr. Bean videos and talk about the food vocabulary and sequence of events. It's unbelievable how Mr. Bean makes a sandwich!!!I get tickled just thinking about the kids laughing at the videos. Sometimes it's funnier to watch them than the videos.

The neighbors from across the street kept bringing their daughter over. I think they're trying to get her used to us and comfortable enough to start studying. Please pray that God would give us more opportunities to continue to share with them. They think we have good hearts to do this for the neighborhood kids. Rusty told him that it's because of our relationship with Jesus that we like to serve the people around us. Of course to them becoming a Christian is giving up their Thai culture, and in some ways they would be right. Culture and religion is so intertwined they would have to give up some of their traditions, but of course we know it's well worth it. But I guess we're individualistic enough in our thinking that it's hard for us to understand just how much pressure is on the people to remain Thai (to remain Buddhist).

Why? Part 3

The final factor involves loving ourselves, and I don't mean that in some sort of weird pop psychology way. For us it simply means we need to take care of ourselves. We need to eat well making sure we get the energy we need to do the ministry here. Rusty can easily lose his voice due to the demands of daily teaching like he does, and so we have to watch our vitamin intake and sleeping habits. If we don't get the right kinds of food and the right amount of sleep, then we're not going to be healthy enough to spend time with the people. I try to introduce more fresh veggies and fresh fruit so that we will be energized and ready to go.

For us another important area is exercise. I'm still not as consistent as I would like to be in this area, but throughout the last five years I have probably exercised more than I did the first fifteen years we were married. Exercise not only keeps us fit for the work, but it also improves our relationships with others by improving how we deal with stress. Dealing with the stress is important because it really does exist. We feel that it's important for us to learn to thrive in these circumstances and not let the stress ruin them. So we exercise to reduce our stress. Stress prepares you for fight or flight--neither of which are good options if we want to stay on the field and minister. If we don't deal with it properly, we'll always be complaining about how terrible it is for us here, and I truly believe we'll end up leaving the field one way or the other. Either we'll physically return to our passport country, or we'll spend so much time stressed that it impacts the quality of ministry here on the field. We can be on the field without really being on the field if you can understand that. :)

Times of stress can produce:

• Feelings of anxiety, confusion, disorientation, uncertainty, insecurity, and helplessness
  
• Fatigue, tiredness, lack of motivation, lethargy, lack of joy
  
• Illness (stress suppresses the immune system), concern about germs, fear of what might be in the food
  
• Disappointment, lack of fulfillment, discouragement, feeling hurt, feeling inadequate, feeling "out of it"
  
• Anger, irritability, contempt for the host culture, resentment (perhaps toward God), feelings of superiority or inferiority
  
• Rejection of the host culture, the mission board, even of God.
  
• Homesickness
  
• Etc.

These are definitely not the things that I want to define my time here! :)

We also take the time to relax. Going swimming for me is about equal for fun and for exercise. I absolutely love to be in the water. We also can get massages done here for a small fee. They have been excellent for working out the tight muscles! It's also been good to read good books--using the opportunity to relax but also to introduce ourselves to new stories and good quality literature.

It may seem like there is not much time left over for "me" time, but when you have your priorities right, I think you'll be surprised at how relaxing that private time can be when you know the other areas in your life have been taken care of.

Why? Part 2

The second commandment that Jesus mentioned keeps us going out the door, but if we weren't working on the first commandment, there's no way we could do the second one. Paul wrote:

Even though I am a free man with no master, I have become a slave to all people to bring many to Christ. When I was with the Jews, I lived like a Jew to bring the Jews to Christ. When I was with those who follow the Jewish law, I too lived under that law. Even though I am not subject to the law, I did this so I could bring to Christ those who are under the law. When I am with the Gentiles who do not follow the Jewish law, I too live apart from that law so I can bring them to Christ. But I do not ignore the law of God; I obey the law of Christ.

When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.

It seems that the real work started when we actually moved to the field. Then it became time to put into practice all of the things that we had been learning and dreaming about doing. Of course reality also set in...it's a daily decision (sometimes hourly) to love your neighbors as yourself. It's what makes you get ready in 15 minutes to go spend the afternoon shopping with a friend whose husband just left the country for his job. It's what keeps you putting effort into designing English lessons so that you can have an opportunity to share Jesus with both the students and teachers. It's also what keeps you working hard so that you're a good witness in front of your neighbors for doing a job well done.

It's what compels you to open up your house to students in the neighborhood for English classes and then see them come to church and other outreach events. It's what compels you to get out of your comfort zone to love and embrace people as your friends and your family as you serve them. It's what compels you to think of their needs more than your own. It's what keeps you on the field when you're starting to feel the pain from being separated from family for so long. It's what makes you think of your new home as your home--sharing life with your new family and friends. It's what compels you to think of your new home as your home because you know that that means acceptance to the people who are around you.

Most importantly, it's what compels you to have patience with your neighbors as you realize that as in our case most of the people we try to build relationships with are dying and on their way to Hell. After all, we're here because we want to see people have personal relationships with Jesus Christ and to see churches started. Without those goals I'm not sure you could really call it love.

Unfortunately, we don't always make the right decision and show love. I know I've made the wrong decisions at times, and thankfully my friends have been understanding. Sometimes I wonder how they can put up with me, but maybe it's because they're practicing the same principles I'm trying to practice. We're trying to love each other and be good examples to the lost who are around us.

If we don't love them, who will? They're not going to receive love and hope from the world; it only comes through Jesus Christ, and that's why we're here.

Why? Part 1

We are constantly re-evaluating our ministry. It's not that we're unsure of what God would have us to do, but sometimes we wonder if we're doing it in the most effective way. And if we're doing it in the way God would have us to, are we communicating that well to others?

Our ministry philosophy is that ministry is life. That may seem like a very general term that is designed to keep us from being accountable for our ministry, but it isn't designed for that purpose. It holds us accountable for the decisions that we make, the things that we do, and the way that we live our lives, and it recognizes that God is the One Who gives the increase. We feel that the things that we do and say should fall under the two commandments that Jesus referenced in Mark 12:

Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”

We set our priorities for ministry living from these two commandments. The first priority is our relationship with God. If we don't maintain our spiritual and private lives, we won't be of help to the people who need us--believers and unbelievers alike. Rusty and I push each other to improve our attitudes, increase the quality of our devotional lives, read quality books that will push us to the next level in our spiritual lives, and take care of our witness in front of others and in what we do when no one is watching. Obviously we make a lot of mistakes because we're not perfect people, but it is the prayer on our hearts each morning that God will use us to make a difference here or wherever He places us.

I don't think one can stress the importance of what you do when nobody's looking. I'll close with a couple of quotes from Hand Me Another Brick by Charles Swindoll. He writes that "successful leaders know how to handle themselves in solitude." He also writes that "It is not in the rush and the hurry of activity that a person gains the respect of those around him; it is what he does when he is all alone." We could fill our lives with activity, but if we're not loving God with our private lives, it all becomes vanity. That's why this first commandment is so important--it transcends every second of our days, and it's something to consider carefully when you're ministering.